An Invitation To Gentleness - New publication with The Counsellors Café
All my life, I have been reflecting so passionately on personal development that I became a Counsellor. Notably throughout lived and witnessed experiences, training, received and given therapy, books and TED Talks, I have been reflecting on why our struggles manifest.
Beside what life throws at us, is there a determining factor common to all of us? Is there a key to unlock the struggles of existence? As a Counsellor, I personalise the therapy I provide to each client, because I strongly believe that everyone is and has a very individual and rich network of complexities. That being said, I found a constant: an attitude.
An attitude is always present. Our attitude toward ourselves, our thoughts, feelings and sensations, the ones of others. Our attitude toward who we are, what we do, who people are and what they do. Our attitude toward the world, events and situations in it and in our life; or toward a topic. Our attitude is pretty determinant on what we struggle with, and how long and how much we struggle. How could it not be when it is a constant factor, embedded in everything we are and do?
We can’t always choose what happens in our life or in the world, what we think or feel, but I trust we always can try to reflect and work on what attitude we want to adopt toward them. So, I wondered: is there one attitude better than others?
Recently, as I was reflecting on my counselling practice, I realised that I keep on inviting my clients to adopt a certain attitude. One I came to believe is at the core of therapeutic healing and growth: gentleness. Certainly, there are other attitudes that add up to create a healthy and dynamic life such as curiosity, enthusiasm, optimism and playfulness, but gentleness feels like a priority to me.
Google says gentleness is: “the quality of being kind, tender or mild-mannered; the softness of action or effect; lightness”. It is fairly obvious to me, - and it takes one to know one -, that most of us tend to lack gentleness toward what we think, feel, do and haven’t done. A lack of gentleness toward who we are and where we are in our journey.
As I was trying to write an article about the rules of gentleness, I realised two things. Firstly, where there are rules there is space for more gentleness; - hereby the title of this article being an ‘invitation’. Secondly, before reflecting on how to adopt and practice gentleness, I needed to explore what may prevent us from being gentle with ourselves.
Once again, though there is a multitude of specific reasons and consequences for each individual, I tried to find some archetypal reasons for this general lack of gentleness.
Working with a widely diverse range of clients, I certainly verified what I was taught during my training. The first source of self-loathing and harshness toward one self is our primal wound. In our early years, we all experience many forms of fractures with our surroundings, where we are treated more as objects than as beings, where we experience conditional love, and many variations of neglect and abuse.
Firman and Gila notably explain that those fractures create disruptions in our connection to our self, and from those traumatic disruptions result feelings of emptiness, loneliness and isolation. We are not seen and loved adequately. This is the first wounding to which we react unconsciously by throwing ourselves “into addictions of all sorts, - from sex, romance and drugs to wealth, power and violence”.
Our primal wounding extends to our entire upbringing, where implicit and explicit values are transmitted, - such as the infamous catholic guilt. We are taught how to consider and treat ourselves. Harshly, poorly, dismissively... This becomes our attitude toward ourselves. Our fundamental truth, - that our being is good enough to be and to be loved unconditionally as it is, is denied. We then deny our hurt and anger that we bury in the shadow of ourselves, from which are sourced all kinds of acting out and dysfunctional patterns.
That shadow has been continuously analysed and conceptualised, notably around Jung’s work on ‘The Shadow Self’, - this unconscious field of so-called negative or dark urges, feelings, impulses and desires. Thinking psychosynthetically around subpersonalities, - those different parts within us, I conceptualised a ‘Shadow’s Triad’ blocking us the access to gentleness, being its nemesis.
A Triad composed by an Inner Critic, a Control Freak and a Perfectionist. Indeed, it seems to me that most of us have variations of those entities within ourselves and that they prevent access for ourselves to that gentleness we may be able to provide to others. I would insist here for the last time that as per everything else, those parts differ from one individual to another. I also believe therapy is one of the only spaces where this can be explored, understood, unfolded and resolved, - and in consequence of which individuals can heal and grow.
Why is this Triad, - in my opinion -, preventing us from accessing and practicing gentleness with ourselves? I think it is all about misplaced and/or toxic energies and messages that overlap. We are lost in that self-depreciating Bermuda triangle of the psyche.
The Inner Critic and The Perfectionist create a sea of ‘should’ that we try to navigate without a compass. We should do more, we should be less, we shouldn’t ask for what we want, we shouldn’t have done this, we should have done that. We don’t know why we are not good enough, but we sure know we aren’t, so we work at it, harder and harder.
The Inner Critic tells us “you’re rubbish” and The Perfectionist echoes with “you’re not and will never be good enough”. They are incarnations of conditional self-love, with conditions always out of reach.
Self-love and self-esteem become something to deserve throughout unrealistic never-ending expectations. If I get this promotion or diploma, complete this project, buy a house or get married, then I will be able to be proud of who I am and what I have achieved. But as soon as one goal is reached, another takes its place with the same conditional on hold self-love. And how can self-respect, acceptance and self-compassion - qualities of gentleness - occur if self-loathing is at play? Because be sure that in some attitude the energy of love is always there, and if not in its positive form, on the other side of its coin: loath.
Indeed, in Psychosynthesis, we believe in two coexisting energies that drive us continuously: love and will. I trust gentleness to be one fundamental attitude of love. But when those energies of love and will are misused by our shadow, we come to carry ourselves in life with an underlying sense of self- loathing and worthlessness.
How can we then find our salvation? I have witnessed that for many of us, the embodied belief of worthlessness pushes us to find our salvation in sacrificing ourselves for the sake of others. Isn’t it in the occidental world the main heritage of Christianity? We are good and humbled if we sacrifice ourselves for others and punish ourselves for who we are. This is what we call in Psychosynthesis a distorted good will, where we ignore the detrimental impact on ourselves that our good actions toward others can have. This isn’t goodness, and this sure isn’t health or sanity.
Good will is about the wellness of everyone, including ourselves. Because what the Shadow’s Triad makes us forget is that our first duty, our first loyalty should be to ourselves. I strongly believe in “put the mask of oxygen on your face first”. I believe in a healthy selfishness, narcissism and self-indulgence, reminding
ourselves to put self-love first, and then combining it with good will and a drive toward togetherness as a motto to practice a healthy happy relational life.
But our Inner Critic and our Perfectionist can create a storm of self-loathing dynamics that fuel a continual feeling of hopelessness and powerlessness that our Control Freak comes to torture us with. We try to control our appearance, how we are perceived, how things happen at work, in our relationships and in all single aspects of our life.
In our selfie FOMO make believe current society, we over-expose ourselves to the world with more pretending than ever before. We become distant from our own reality, our true self. So much energy spent, so much pressure and stress endured hoping to“fake it until we make it”. Anxiety confuses our judgements. We are no longer able to distinguish what matters to what doesn’t, or our priorities. We may no longer differentiate our needs from our wishes. We may even lose track of why we want what we want. We withhold our breath and forget to be who we are.
We misconnect to others with our false selves and our list of should, and continuously go back to feeling this primal emptiness and loneliness. We don’t understand why as we have people around us. So, we run away, escape, try harder, work harder, push ourselves into those “addictions of all sorts”. We tell ourselves that everything is failing. The Triad makes us believe it is because we are failures. “I am not good enough” or “I am a failure” are the most common and damaging self-limiting beliefs. We try to resist them. So, we push and push, crush and crush always furthermore to who we are throughout intoxicating and desperate doings.
We may even chaotically change again and again our work, our relationships or the city we live in, in an existential despairing attempt to find this mythical ‘greener grass’ elsewhere. And as any chaotic agitation of one in the water, one drowns; forgetting that they simply had to breathe and be mostly steady, grounded to survive.
It all sounds quite dramatic and as if I am catastrophising everything, doesn’t it? Consider though that it all happens over time, mostly unconsciously, and in many subtle ways. More and more research and articles around the world describe the increase in people affected by anxiety, depression and mental illnesses. This is not coincidental. Decrypting how and why it happens, how to make it stop and create healthier behaviours is at the core of therapeutic work and research. This is also what I thrive to do in my writings.
This ‘invitation to gentleness’ might feel like a stodgy and obscure piece, leaving you with no clue yet on how to invite gentleness into your life. But if you think of any medical condition you might be affected by, you can’t start treating and curing something you haven’t examined the symptoms of. Simply putting a plaster on a bleeding wound will most likely be inefficient.
Exploring and noticing the symptoms of a lack of gentleness and well-being is the starting point. This is the crucial power of awareness, one at the core foundation of Psychosynthesis. Awareness is what gives a greater ability to choose how and where to direct our will to build up and nurture a healthier and happier life. Without awareness, we don’t have enough clarity to fully get in the driving seat of our life. Any growth process or change requires patience, practice and resilience, but firstly awareness.
What I tried to do here is to create some reflective awareness on our shadow, what blocks the access to gentleness. Because if gentleness is about lightness, emptying our backpack from the rocks of worthlessness and powerlessness our shadow makes us carry seems like a good start. And in that start, we can already wonder what gentleness means to us, and what a gentle exploration and noticing of the dynamics in our life and within us could look like.
Just wonder, gently.
An Invitation To Gentleness, part 1
An Invitation To Gentleness
Part 1 – The Shadow’s Triad Or The Struggles To Be Gentle
All my life, I have been reflecting so passionately on personal development that I became a Counsellor. Notably throughout lived and witnessed experiences, trainings, received and given therapy, books and TED Talks, I have been reflecting on why our struggles manifest. Beside what life throws at us, is there a determining factor common to all of us? Is there a key to unlock the struggles of existence? As a Counsellor, I personalise the therapy I provide to each client, because I strongly believe that everyone is and has a very individual and rich network of complexities. That being said, I found a constant: an attitude.
An attitude is always present. Our attitude toward ourselves, our thoughts, feelings and sensations, the ones of others. Our attitude toward who we are, what we do, who people are and what they do. Our attitude toward the world, events and situations in it and in our life; or toward a topic. Our attitude is pretty determinant in what we struggle with, and how long and how much we struggle. How could it not be when it is a constant factor, embedded in everything we are and do? We can’t always choose what happens in our life or in the world, what we think or feel, but I trust we always can try to reflect and work on what attitude we want to adopt toward them. So, I wondered: is there one attitude better than others?
Recently, as I was reflecting on my counselling practice, I realised that I keep on inviting my clients to adopt a certain attitude. One I came to believe is at the core of the therapeutic healing and growth: gentleness. Certainly, there are other attitudes to add up to create a healthy and dynamic life such as curiosity, enthusiasm, optimism and playfulness, but gentleness feels like a priority to me.
Google says gentleness is: “the quality of being kind, tender or mild-mannered; the softness of action or effect; lightness”. It is fairly obvious to me, - and it takes one to know one -, that most of us tend to lack gentleness toward what we think, feel, do and haven’t done. A lack of gentleness toward who we are and where we are in our journey.
As I was trying to write an article about the rules of gentleness, I realised two things. Firstly, where there are rules there is space for more gentleness; - hereby the title of this article being an ‘invitation’. Secondly, before reflecting on how to adopt and practice gentleness, I needed to explore what may prevent us from being gentle with ourselves. Once again, though there is a multitude of specific reasons and consequences for each individual, I tried to find some archetypal reasons for this general lack of gentleness.
Working with a widely diverse range of clients, I certainly verified what I was taught during my training. The first source of self-loathing and harshness toward one self is our primal wound1. In our early years, we all experience many forms of fractures with our surrounding, where we are treated more as objects than as beings, where we experience conditional love, and many variations of neglect and abuse. Firman and Gila1 notably explain that those fractures create disruptions in our connection to our self, and from those traumatic disruptions result feelings of emptiness, loneliness and isolation. We are not seen and loved adequately. This is the first wounding to which we react unconsciously by throwing ourselves “into addictions of all sorts, - from sex, romance and drugs to wealth, power and violence”1.
Our primal wounding extends to our entire upbringing, where implicit and explicit values are transmitted, - such as the infamous catholic guilt. We are taught how to consider and treat ourselves. Harshly, poorly, dismissively… This becomes our attitude toward ourselves. Our fundamental truth, - that our being is good enough to be and to be loved unconditionally as it is -, is denied. We then deny our hurt and anger that we bury in the shadow of ourselves, from which are sourced all kinds of acting out and dysfunctional patterns.
That shadow has been continuously analysed and conceptualised, notably around Joung’s work on ‘The Shadow Self’2, - this unconscious field of so-called negative or dark urges, feelings, impulses and desires. Thinking psychosynthetically3 around subpersonalities, - those different parts within us -, I conceptualised a ‘Shadow’s Triad’ blocking us the access to gentleness, being its nemesis. A Triad composed by an Inner Critic, a Control Freak and a Perfectionist. Indeed, it seems to me that most of us have variations of those entities within ourselves and that they prevent us to access for ourselves that gentleness we may be able to provide to others. I would insist here for the last time that as per everything else, those parts differ from an individual to another. I also believe therapy is one of the only spaces where this can be explored, understood, unfolded and resolved, - and in consequence of which individuals can heal and grow.
Why is this Triad, - in my opinion -, preventing us from accessing and practicing gentleness with ourselves? I think it is all about misplaced and/or toxic energies and messages that overlap. We are lost in that self-depreciating Bermuda triangle of the psyche. The Inner Critic and The Perfectionist create a sea of ‘should’ we try to navigate without compass, seasick. We should do more, we should be less, we shouldn’t ask for what we want, we shouldn’t have done this, we should have done that. We don’t know why we are not good enough, but we sure know we aren’t, so we work at it, harder and harder.
The Inner Critic tells us “you’re rubbish” and The Perfectionist echoes with “you’re not and will never be good enough”. They are incarnations of conditional self-love, with conditions always out of reach. Self-love and self-esteem become something to deserve throughout unrealistic never-ending expectations. If I get this promotion or diploma, complete this project, buy a house or get married, then I will be able to be proud of who I am and what I have achieved. But as soon as one goal is reached, another takes its place with the same conditional on hold self-love. And how can self-respect, acceptance and self-compassion, - qualities of gentleness -, can occur if self-loathing is at play? Because be sure that as some attitude the energy of love is always there, and if not in its positive form, in the other side of its coin: loath.
Indeed, in Psychosynthesis, we believe in two coexisting energies that drive us continuously: love and will4. I trust gentleness to be one fundamental attitude of love. But when those energies of love and will are misused by our shadow, we come to carry ourselves in life with an underlying sense of self-loathing and worthlessness. How can we then find our salvation? I have witnessed that for many of us, the embodied belief of worthlessness pushes us to find our salvation in sacrifying ourselves for the sake of others. Isn’t it in the occidental world the main heritage of Christianity? We are good and humbled if we sacrify ourselves for others and punish ourselves for who we are. This is what we call in Psychosynthesis a distorted good will, where we ignore the detrimental impact on ourselves our good actions toward others can have. This isn’t goodness, and this sure isn’t health or sanity. Good will is about the wellness of everyone, including ourselves. Because what the Shadow’s Triad makes us forget is that our first duty, our first loyalty should be to ourselves. I strongly believe in “put the mask of oxygen on your face first”. I believe in a healthy selfishness, narcissism and self-indulgence, reminding ourselves to put self-love5 first, and then combining it with good will and a drive toward togetherness as a motto to practice a healthy happy relational life.
But our Inner Critic and our Perfectionist can create a storm of self-loathing dynamics that fuel a continual feeling of hopelessness and powerlessness that our Control Freak comes to torture us with. We try to control our appearance, how we are perceived, how things happen at work, in our relationships and in all single aspects of our life. In our selfie FOMO6 make believe current society, we over-expose ourselves to the world with more pretending than ever before. We become distant from our own reality, our true self. So much energy spent, so much pressure and stress endured hoping to “fake it until we make it”. Anxiety confuses our judgements. We are no longer able to distinguish what matters to what doesn’t, or our priorities. We may no longer differentiate our needs from our wishes. We may even lose track of why we want what we want. We withhold our breath and forget to be who we are.
We misconnect to others with our false selves and our list of should, and continuously go back to feeling this primal emptiness and loneliness. We don’t understand why as we have people around us. So, we run away, escape, try harder, work harder, push ourselves into those “addictions of all sorts”1. We tell ourselves that everything is failing. The Triad make us believe it is because we are failures. “I am not good enough” or “I am a failure” are the most common and damaging self-limiting beliefs. We try to resist them. So, we push and push, crush and crush always furthermore who we are throughout intoxicating and desperate doings. We may even chaotically change again and again our work, our relationship or the city we live in, in an existential despairing attempt to find this mythical ‘greener grass’ elsewhere. And as any chaotic agitation of one in the water, one drowns; forgetting that they simply had to breathe and be mostly steady, grounded to survive.
It all sounds quite dramatic and as if I am catastrophising everything, doesn’t it? Consider though that it all happens over time, mostly unconsciously, and in many subtle ways. More and more researches and articles around the world describe the increase in people affected by anxiety, depression and mental illnesses. This is not coincidental. Decrypting how and why it happens, how to make it stop and create healthier behaviours is at the core of the therapeutic work and research. This is also what I thrive to do in my writings7.
This first part of my ‘Invitation To Gentleness’ might feel like a stodgy and obscure piece, leaving you with no clue yet on how to invite gentleness into your life. But if you think of any medical condition you might be affected by, you can’t start treating and curing something you haven’t examined the symptoms of. Simply putting a plaster on a bleeding wound will most likely be inefficient. Exploring and noticing the symptoms of a lack of gentleness and well-being is the starting point. This is the crucial power of awareness, one at the core foundation of Psychosynthesis8. Awareness is what gives a greater ability to choose how and where to direct our will to build up and nurture a healthier and happier life. Without awareness, we don’t have enough clarity to fully get in the driving seat of our life. Any growth process or change requires patience, practice and resilience, but firstly awareness.
What I tried to do here is to create some reflective awareness on our shadow, what blocks us the access to gentleness. Because if gentleness is about lightness, emptying our back pack from the rocks of worthlessness and powerlessness our shadow makes us carry seems like a good start. And in that start, we can already wonder what gentleness means to us, and what a gentle exploration and noticing of the dynamics in our life and within us could look like. Just wonder, gently.
References
1 The Primal Wound, J. Firman & A. Gila
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Shadow_(psychology)
https://lonerwolf.com/shadow-self/
3 Psychosynthesis, R. Assagioli
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Psychosynthesis
4 https://psychosynthesistrust.org.uk/org/where-theres-a-will-theres-a-way/
5 https://www.lucasvoclere.com/blog/theselflovechallenge
6 https://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=fomo
7 https://www.lucasvoclere.com/blog/
8 https://psychosynthesistrust.org.uk/about-psychosynthesis-trust/what-is-psychosynthesis/
Second publication in The Counsellors Café: 'Online Therapy: is it for you?'
ONLINE THERAPY: IS IT FOR YOU?
Flexibility is the main perk any online therapeutic work can provide. This is why this service is growing so much lately. Individuals with lack of time, lack of mobility (handicap, no transportation...) and/or lack of access to therapy request more and more the possibility to get a therapeutic service online. For some it might also be easier than having to go to a specific place due to their fear of being seen going to therapy and their own judgement about people seeking help. That in itself would be something worth addressing in therapy. Other reasons and circumstances may occur. In any scenario, your reasons for choosing the online setting over the face to face setting would need to be addressed before and at the beginning of the therapeutic work. I would advise not to hesitate to review those reasons and your choice of setting. This could come both from your initiative or mine.
How does it work?
I offer Online Counselling via Skype for individuals from anywhere, both in English and in French. If Skype is too technical for you or you have some concerns about liability and/or confidentiality and would prefer to use another media, this can be discussed. If you need guidance, that can be provided. We will also discuss your preference on whom is to call when the session is to start.
Is there any imperative?
Making sure you understand how to use safely and confidentially the technology involved is an imperative of any online practice. Confidentiality is crucial. You need to make sure, - especially when sharing computers -, that no one will access your credentials, any written content about your sessions and even in some cases the fact that you are in therapy and with whom, if you wish to keep the latter information private.
Though there is no dedicated therapeutic space per say, the quality of space and its privacy are key. Ideally, you will always use the same space to participate to the regularity and continuity essentials to the therapeutic process. Ideally, you will avoid having your sessions in your bedroom as it is one of the most charged personal space that can be. The quality of sitting is also to be considered. You will also make sure as much as possible that there will be no disturbance to any of your sessions. That includes not having to worry about someone potentially able to listen to your ongoing session.
How does it differ from Face to Face Counselling?
Though it does offer a great flexibility which might come with a great piece of mind in notably preventing you some anxiety regarding the commute or else, online counselling doesn't offer the same quality of holding both in terms of space and of the Counsellor's presence.
Having a dedicated space for therapy can create a very unique holding, notably due to its neutrality (no involvement in your private life outside therapy). Many have written about the benefits of the therapeutic space.
Online Counselling will require for you to use a personal or professional space not specifically dedicated to your therapy. A space charged with other memories, attachment or reluctance, emotions and thoughts that might burden in a certain way and to a certain extent your therapeutic time. For some, this pre-existing content can be experienced as a reassuring familiarity that may or may not prevent you to expose yourself the same way you would in a face to face setting.
Knowing how to gradually expose yourself with the growing trust in the therapeutic relationship and the organic unfolding of the therapy is an essential and beneficial aspect of any therapeutic process. No matter how you experience the space you will use for your online sessions, this experience and the experience of the online setting itself will need to be addressed in therapy to prevent it from impacting negatively onto your process.
Being physically in presence of your Therapist/Counsellor/Psychotherapist is another asset of the face to face setting. The physical presence and its energy tend to benefit greatly the bonding with the practitioner, - bonding essential to the therapeutic process -, and the holding the latter can provide. Also, when working with humanistic methods such as Psychosynthesis which involves notably the awareness of the client's body language, the online setting reduces what can be read for your benefit. On another hand, the online setting may provide sometimes a greater reading of facial expressions. When possible, I would advise that we meet face to face before engaging into an online therapeutic work together.
Is it to say that online counselling is less effective than face to face counselling? you might wonder. I believe there is no clear answer to that, no matter the researches and personal/professional views one may have. I will say that I don't believe this is adapted to everyone's personality/identity and situation. I can say that I have seen it working as effectively as needed. I will also reinforce the need in any therapeutic setting to discuss regularly how you are experiencing the process, its setting and the therapeutic relationship.
Remember: therapy should always be a safe, accepting, respectful, supportive and holding partnership between you and me to work toward improving your well-being and mental health. When I say mental health, I mean the whole integrated health: physical, emotional, psychological and spiritual.
How to choose?
You will need to reflect with yourself and then with myself on the reasons of your hesitation and/or choice. Is it a matter of convenience? Is it laziness to commute and what could it say about your readiness to commit and engage in your therapeutic journey? Is it because it is either online therapy or no therapy at all due to your personal circumstances? If it is the latter, the choice might be easy: get the support you feel you need and that you can get.
When both options are possible to you, take the time to wonder. What attracts you in both options? What are the aspects you don't like about each option? If you were to choose the online setting, would you meet its imperatives? Now that you have read a bit about the differences between the two settings, do you feel any of the setting could meet your needs? Please, don't forget that my work doesn't start when we meet but beforehand to help you address this choice and any other questions/hesitations you might have.
