A POTENTIAL ANATOMY OF A BREAKUP RECOVERY

By Lucas Voclere

(work in progress - this is only the initial points of the article)

Disclaimer:
This article is dedicated to people experiencing a breakup, - mostly from the perspective of the one being left.

Structure of the article:
I will make what I consider to be important points to keep in mind and reflect about throughout the grief & recovery process of a breakup.
Some of those points will be about fostering healthy approaches/perspectives on & about the breakup, the grieving and the recovery process. Others will be direct recommendations/tips to actively support yourself through it out.
Each points will end by examples of positive affirmation statements to practice, out loud if needs be, on a regular basis.

1. LOVE REMAINS.

Someone no longer loving us does not redefine our loveability or worthiness of love.

When someone falls out of love with us, it takes away only one love in our life.

We are still loved by friends, family members (blood, adopted, chosen…), community.ies etc.

I REMAIN LOVING. I REMAIN LOVEABLE. I REMAIN LOVED.

I AM LOVING. I AM LOVEABLE. I AM LOVED.

2. SELF-LOVE IS KEY. SELF-LOVE IS SELF-C.A.R.E. (Compassion Acceptance Respect Esteem).

Be determined to love yourself, be compassionate with yourself, accept & respect yourself (including your thoughts, feelings, processes…), and keep fostering your self-love.

I LOVE MYSELF. I LOVE MY BODY. I LOVE WHO I AM.

3. IT’S (MOSTLY) ABOUT THEM.

When someone breakups and/or falls out of love with us, it doesn’t mean there is something wrong with who we are, or that we are not good enough. Note that it also doesn’t mean there is something wrong with them or that they are not good enough.

It can very much have nothing to do with us.

Often, a breakup is about things going on for them and their shifts, processes, preferences, desires, needs etc.

NB: It doesn’t mean we are not to be responsible or accountable for mistakes or harm we might have created or co-created.
We are humans, we make mistakes, we hurt or trigger people consciously/unconsciously, intentionally/unintentionally.
This doesn’t mean who we fundamentally are is not good enough or wrong.

Those are opportunities for accountability & growth.

They might as well have made mistakes or created hurt. What they do with that is for their journey only; and none of our business (provided it doesn’t have concrete impacts on our life).

I AM VALID. I AM GOOD ENOUGH. I AM LOVEABLE ENOUGH. I AM ATTRACTIVE ENOUGH.

4. COMPATIBILITY IS COMPLEX.

When someone breakups and/or falls out of love with us, it often comes to a lack of compatibility.

Compatibility occurs (or not, - or not anymore) on many levels of desires /wishes/needs within various channels of intrapersonal & interpersonal content: psychological, emotional, spiritual, physical, romantic, sexual, relational, pragmatic etc.

I AM A RICH & COMPLEX INDIVIDUAL. IT IS OK NOT TO BE COMPATIBLE WITH OTHERS.

COMPATIBILITY TAKES TIME TO ASSESS.

It is not uncommon to have experienced various short-term relationships.
They might feel like failures. They are not.

They most likely reflect the period of mutual discovery and assessment of mutual compatibility has come to an end, - with the separation as a valid conclusion.

Note that we all have different fluctuating ways & paces of discovering someone and assessing the compatibility within a relationship.

Note it doesn’t need to be mutual for the separation to be a valid conclusion.

Mutual consent is essential to continue fostering a relationship.

If one doesn’t consent anymore, it is enough and needs to be respected & accepted.

I AM ALLOWED TO TAKE TIME TO ASSESS MY COMPATIBILITY WITH OTHERS
AND ASSESS/TRY OUT THE TYPE OF RELATIONSHIP I WANT & NEED.

OTHERS ARE ALLOWED TO TAKE TIME TO ASSESS THEIR COMPATIBILITY WITH ME
AND ASSESS/TRY OUT THE TYPE OF RELATIONSHIPS THEY WANT & NEED.

COMPATIBILITY FLUCTUATES & EVOLVES.

We all grow over time, and with that our desires, wishes, needs and what makes us compatible with jobs, situations, relationships etc.

Compatibility fluctuates & evolves depending on each individual’s personal growth, processes, phases etc.
Therefore we might grow out of our compatibility with someone or with a certain frame of relationship; whether temporarily or more permanently.

Sometimes growing out of compatibility is an opportunity for re-assessing how to live and re-set the parameters/boundaries/dynamics of a relationship. Sometimes it results in a separation.

IT IS OK TO NO LONGER BE COMPATIBLE WITH SOMEONE OR A TYPE OF RELATIONSHIP.

IT IS OK TO WANT & NEED DIFFERENT THINGS OVER TIME.

COMPATIBILITY WITH BONDING VS COMPATIBILITY WITH (LONG TERM) RELATIONSHIP.

What makes us bond with someone and even fall in love with each other (or non-reciprocally) can be rooted in many different things: trauma bonding, dysfunctionalities bonding, neurodivergent bonding, projections, idealisation, previous patterns etc.

Being compatible with someone for bonding and/or developing attachment does not mean we will be compatible for a healthy functioning relationship; - or for how long we will be able to appreciate and benefit from a relationship.

IT IS OK TO LOVE SOMEONE AND NOT/NO LONGER BE COMPATIBLE.

I CAN ACCEPT TO LET GO OF MY LOVE FOR SOMEONE WHEN I REALISE THAT OUR RELATIONSHIP WASN’T/COULDN’T BE (ANYMORE) HEALTHY & BENEFITIAL TO EVERYONE INVOLVED.

Relationships come in many forms and models. One single model can not fit trillions of individuals forming even more trillions of relational entities.

I will most likely create at some point a page or pages dedicated to gender identity, sexual identity, relationships and sexuality.

For now, I wish to share some very insightful videos from experts in the field, which are a really good start for thoughts and education around relational models in partnerships. They also refer to very insightful bibliography written my other experts in the field.

Joanna Russell explored Non-Monogamy for her Diversity Video assignment as part of the requirements for the Postgraduate Diploma in Gender and Sexual Diversity Therapy. The aim of the video was to help therapists learn more about the background and lifestyle involved in consensually non-monogamous relationships

This presentation covers the range of non-monogamous relationships which clients may engage in, and good practice for counsellors and therapists in this area. As with sexual and gender identities, it is becoming increasingly clear that there are a diverse range of relationships styles within and beyond the single/coupled and monogamous/non-monogamous binaries.